psychiatrist appointment

So, the appointment came and went. I had the first appointment of the day (8.45am) and arrived before both my psychiatrist and the receptionist, so had to wait outside. Once I got in I tried, haltingly, to explain that I had cut my dose down, increased it and then cut it down again since I last saw him a month ago. He looked a bit perturbed, especially when I said that I'd had to increase the dose because I couldn't deal with my co-workers looking at me. NB this made for rather a hard afternoon in the office which is open-plan. He told me that I should only stop taking the Risperidone if I have six months symptom-free, and that if I did stop taking it then I could get ill again. I said that I was worried about the toll another episode would take. Then he said that the thing to do was to focus on the here and now and not worry about what's going to happen or when I'll be able to come off the medication.

I don't find these appointments easy. I'm not sure why. Part of it is trying to speak to someone when your chair is facing the wall. Is this normal in shrinks' offices? I ended up getting rather fidgety, and I spent most of the appointment hunched up twisting my bangle round and round my wrist, then trying to pull it off over my hand. Hmmmm.

dreaming of byron's severed head

Last night I had a nightmare. I woke up at the point that Byron's severed head was thrown onto a fire and started to holler. I cannot imagine what this means, but I do know that Risperidone increases dream activity, so I suppose this is something to thank Risperidone for #2.

I have a psychiatrist appointment at the end of this week. He's a nice man, although grumpy at times. Once, I asked for a new prescription and he said, 'you want some more of those DO YOU'. Which I didn't particularly because there is nothing recreational about Risperidone. I've been spending the last few days musing over what to tell him, which could in itself be a sign of some sort of recovery. I am sure that when I first saw him I didn't do this, that is, the planning. I just sat in his office radiating a psychic unwellness. Anyway that was in June and since then I have been getting gradually better. But it's been so hard. March (when I was mad) is not so very far away.

Medication and food

Medication I take: risperidone and citalopram
What I had for lunch: a pizza
What I had after lunch because I got a bit hungry again: a bag of crisps
What I had at about 4pm because I was still hungry: cheese sandwich
What I bought to eat for dinner: a pizza
What I ate after that: a Thorntons Viennese Truffle bar
What I just ate that gave me the idea for this list: two crumpets

It's November

Outside I can hear fireworks perhaps half a mile away. I'm standing on tip toe in the window, straining to see them. But the tower blocks across the way block my view. I'm reminded that not so long ago I took fireworks personally. So personally that I thought the people setting them off were congratulating me. Things to thank Risperidone for #1.

ok this is my first post

this is a test